My "Why"

What sets this race (Run Rabbit Run 100-mile) apart from prior efforts? How is it different from my 75 mile solo fast-pack in the San Juans on the Colorado Trail for my 34th birthday five years ago? Or my 33 hour, 96ish-mile, unsupported/solo ultrarun in the Grand Canyon for an FKT three years ago?

Solo.

Self sufficient.

Fiercely Independent.

Unsupported.

Brave.

These were the lessons I had to learn after the end of a 12 year relationship as an emerging woman at age 33. Divorce forced me to face the devestating realization that relationships run their course, nothing is permanent, and I am living this life with myself. I needed to go through a metamorphosis to learn how to be completely, 100% on my own. I move through the pain and dark void that there is no one checking to make sure I get home safely each night, or to lean on when the burdens of life are overwhelming, or I'm sick. There is no plan B. Its just me. The process involved discovering a strength I didn’t know was in me when I learned to depend on me and only me. My entire life prior, I had somehow depended and leaned on others, and had always co-habitated. All of a sudden, I was alone. So I figured out how to survive, quite literally, with the absolute bare minimum. Maybe to prove to myself I don’t need anyone. And there is beauty and freedom in choosing love when you know deep in your bones you don’t need someone else to survive. Everything I add to my life is by choice, and not necessity.

Many people are quick to point out my preparedness for this 100-mile race due to these solo multi-day treks and my proven track record of mental fortitude. And I agree. I can cover the distance in any terrain and survive. I have to believe I’m unstoppable because that’s what keeps me going, even if it’s not always true. There is no plan B.

But what I’m unprepared for is opening myself again to the support inherent when entering a race. From aid stations, to race volunteers, to other racers, to spectators and most especially, to my crew and pacer squad, races privide commaradarie. The mere presence of people is known to be supportive. For Fastest Known Times (FKTs), there is distinction between a supported effort and an unsupported effort, because the mere presence of a familiar face is helpful. I have never felt called to lean on the support of others as I’ve developed the toughness required to move through these mountains and I’ve mastered my masculine energy. After all, I’ve had to learn to be my own husband, and I’m pretty damn good at it.

But, I also need to learn to be my own wife. There has been a crack in my toughness this summer, and the light shining through it has been fracturing my stubborn exterior, begging for soft surrender. Can my feminine energy, which demands more and more of me, be strong too?  How do I run 100 miles in the mountains if I’m not 'tough?'

Running a 100-mile race allows for/encourages crew and pacers for the runner. These aspects of support are seen as advantageous and one would be foolish to not utilize them. I’ve spent a lot of mental energy visualizing and practicing what it might feel like to receive support. This act of receiving is more scary and vulnerable to me than embarking on a solo effort where I’m only accountable to myself and I control everything (except the weather and terrain). Introducing collaboration and teamwork in a non-reciprocal format where I’m forced to just receive is my why. It’s my challenge. It’s my lesson.

I’m ready to lean on others. Ready for support. For me, this is scarier than doing it by myself. It’s out of my comfort zone. I’m so used to being the support, but this is my chance to receive. Running 102 miles at 10k’ elevation in the mountains is a solo endeavor, but ultimately, we are better together.

I spent ten days pet sitting in a small Colorado town by myself as I was tapering for the race. I was lonely. My whole life revolves around community. I realized in my solitude that as human beings we are not meant to be or live alone. We are social creatures and my Latina side comes from a communal culture. It’s easy in the U.S. to live in isolation from one another, and it doesn’t bring out my best qualities. I can get too zoomed in on myself, and I’m a more balanced version of me when I’m able to be there for others. While I needed to learn the rawest form of independence to fully understand freedom within love and relationship five years ago, I also don’t want to get used to being alone. I don’t need to learn how to be alone anymore. I don’t want to live or be alone anymore. I want to get better at sharing my life and communing with others. I want to bring the pendulum back to feeling okay with receiving support and depending on my people. This race will allow me to push myself and still receive. With gratitude for each and every mile my body can move me, I can surrender some control and welcome my community to participate in helping me get to the finish line. I intend to savor our time together and even have fun in my (our) suffering!

I used to view pacers and crew as a hindrance to my performance. I firmly felt that when loved ones were too close, I might get too soft and crumble. I didn’t believe in myself to stay strong and focused if I could act like a wounded baby and elicit the sympathy of those around me. I believed I was more likely to slow down or quit because my friends & family could give me the permission I seek in my darkness to ease off the gas and open the window to a pity party. And then, it could all unravel. But in my maturation and growth, I challenge myself this weekend to feel my pain while also being able to stay strong and do my best, knowing my loved ones are like tokens of joy I get to look forward to, rather than crutches I can melt on and convince with my master manipulation skills that “70 miles is pretty hardcore and I’m hurting a lot so I think I should just go to sleep now, right?” (Said convincingly with tears and a laundry list of ailments to back up my case).

However… I am hoping to lean on my community as a Mountain Queen this weekend by shedding these codependent mind patterns and replacing them with a balanced approach of receiving AND inner toughness. My why is to balance my yin and yang by intentionally placing more importance on my yin/femininity: receiving.

So, I invite you in. Please, participate and be with me. Follow me virtually if you're able. Please send me your strength and share your life with me. Zooming out to support each other helps us all with our own struggles.

Colorado folks — if you’re available Sat, Sep 14, I invite you to join me at the finish line to share hugs, celebration, tears, and laughter together. I have no idea how much of me I’ll have left to give after these mountains test me in every way possible and surely some new way I’m blind to right now. But, if you can, contact Shelley if you want to come out. I expect to finish 9/14 sometime between 3:00 pm-9:00 pm MT.

For the rest of you, join me by following me on my tracker which will show you a little dot with my name moving around the mountains starting Friday at 9:00 am MT until late Saturday. Hopefully, that little dot moves every 10 minutes, but GPS tracking is not perfect, (and neither am I), so be patient. You can also sign up to get updates on the race website (scroll down to "Race Day Links") and you'll probably get an alert each time I leave an aid station. There will most likely be lag times with these alerts because, mountains.

I don’t even know how to begin to express my extreme gratitude to my people on the ground. I’m still working on accepting their generous love as it’s hard for my brain to imagine these people making personal and altruistic sacrifices in their life just to support me in a race. I’ve been crew and a pacer countless times. And I loved it. But, somehow, being on the other side of the equation makes it difficult to fathom that these fab five would give so much to me. So, I would be remiss to not give a HUGE SHOUTOUT to my incredible crew.

Nick has been the closest thing to a coach for me this training cycle, and in general regarding my trail and athletic efforts. Nick has run streets and hills with me, hiked with me, and I had the privilege to be entrusted to pace him for the last 50 km of his 100 mi race last summer in CO. Nick always makes me smile and laugh. He’s salty and doesn’t filter. I can count on him for the straight truth. And, he’s one of the kindest humans. He encouraged me to sign up for this race over a year ago. He believes in me in ways I don’t quite believe in myself. He brings a wealth of knowledge as an experienced alpinist, 100-mile racer, thru-hiker, and he ran this race for his first 100 miler as well back in 2017. Thank you, Nick, for coming from Austin to be my crew captain! I’m excited to hand over all decisions to you, my friend!

Madeline is a dear friend from Austin who is never afraid to try new things and go outside her comfort zone. She also has an attitude of “why not?” and is one of the most beautiful examples of a balanced athlete I know. She’s funny, smart, witty, dependable, and has inspired me since I met her as a rockstar climber. She’s such a baddie with her climbing skills and mental strength, and to watch someone of her caliber still show vulnerability is nothing short of inspiring. She knows herself and listens to herself and I’ve never seen her let ego interfere with her endeavors. Madeline is the kind of athlete that is next-level, yet relatable, and makes me feel like maybe I can be like her someday. THANK you for signing up to run/hike with me in the middle of the night up and down Emerald Mountain and Lane of Pain. Those 14 miles of darkness are the absolute crux of the race and together, I know we can get through it!

Skylar — I have known this baddie since I coached her for her first marathon back in 2018 in my hometown, Austin. Now, she will pace me for the last 50 km in my first 100-mile race in her hometown of Steamboat Springs! This athlete and woman is remarkable. She grew up as a competitive snowboarder, turned runner/surfer, and now she recently competed in her first 100-mile gravel bike race. She’s the very definition of all-around superstar and is who you want with you when you’re falling apart at mile 85. She’s a brilliant registered dietitian and self treated her chronic Lyme’s disease with food as her medicine. She follows her passion and is an inspiring businesswoman with an engineering degree from CalPoly SLO! Her skillset is beyond valuable as she feeds me and helps me prep my nutrition for this event. Her beauty radiates in her smile, toughness, and brilliance. And, she is organized AF. She is nurturing, thoughtful, and generous and is hosting the whole crew at her house (and already has a fridge full of five star vegan treats for us!). I’m beyond grateful to have her in my corner and share a big mountain adventure with her. Let’s go!

Shelley & Robbie —

My sister and bro in law. You guys are giving me the greatest gift of all time! You’re making me an aunt! This tia-to-be is so full of love for the little baby growing inside you, Shella! Watching you grow a whole human is nothing short of inspiring. Robbie — your Leadville 100 mi race one month ago was so pro. You are as tough as they come and I can’t believe I get to have you pace me for the first time -- TWICE in this race!  I’m honored to share 14 miles with you up and down the cold and dark Spring Creek trail during the night. THANK YOU!

So my whys?

1. Receive

2. Share and collaborate this part of me with my people

3. Because Nick told me to

4. Skylar lives here (other big mountain races are in places I don’t know anyone).

5. On my birthday (seemed like a sign from the universe)

6. Almost a full moon

7. No qualifying race requirements to sign up

8. The most beautiful things in life are born from suffering.

9. The journey that got me to the start line: many shared miles in Austin with friends, a PCT section hike with Red Stripe et al., and a month of playing in these Colorado mountains.

10. Because I can.

    
    

Update Since the time of writing this post, Nick has been in an accident and is thankfully “okay.” However, he will no longer be able to be my crew captain through the night and Madeline will be taking care of him. They will be missed! Plans in flux now. Time for a pivot.