The Struggle of Starting — AZT edition

9 years ago, when I was struggling to get pregnant (which is still a struggle today, but now I’m even further behind as I’m older and single), my friend Allann used to always reassure me by saying, “everyone has their struggle with bringing children into the world, and maybe getting pregnant was mine. Perhaps after getting pregnant, the rest would be smooth sailing?” She would give examples of how others had no difficulty getting pregnant, but that the birth was challenging, or perhaps the fertility journey isn’t a struggle at all for some, but then raising a teenager becomes the primary challenge. Her advice helped me feel hopeful in a time when everything felt dim. Maybe finding life-long loving partnership and creating life is my life’s challenge, and after, I the obstacles will be smaller by comparison and therefore feel “easy.”

So, I continue to remain hopeful about the AZT. I was supposed to be starting my 500-mile hike on the #arizonatrail yesterday, but my body had other plans. I’m still in Austin, but I remain hopeful about getting out there.

The preparation and getting to the start line has posed so many speed bumps I probably should have given up by most standards. From waning motivation, to logistical dead ends, to financing the trip, to gear issues, to nutrition-planning hurdles, to now my health, the universe has forced me to contend with staying graceful and grounded in the face of countless opportunities to pull back. And I listened this time, by post-poning my start date by a few days. The extra days are allowing my lungs to recalibrate, my body to find homeostasis, and some much needed time to wrap up business and even put on my pack and shoes to shake everything out.

The short version of my “health saga” is — I have been having fairly serious issues with my lungs (exacerbated by an autoimmune flare up) and am on a steroid inhaler and prednisone to treat the inflammation in my lungs and airways. My respiratory system has been my limiting factor in athletic efforts ever since I got COVID for the first time, so I’m extremely cautious to not cause further damage by “pushing through” or exposing myself to poor air quality or pollutants.

The scary thing is that the triggers for this flare up seem to be much smaller than running an FKT in the Grand Canyon or a 100-mile race in Steamboat Springs. The past triggers made sense and in a way matched the effort. They were easy to understand and explain. This time, the flare up seems to be “classic autoimmune stuff” where there is just a lot of small environmental triggers in the background coming together with “stress” to play their part.

“Stress” is interesting because often I don’t recognize if I’m feeling it. My body is typically the first to tell me about it. “Stress” can be good. It can mean running (which I love), a full calendar of social connection (which I live for), and a prosperous business (which feeds my purpose). But having too much of anything causes imbalance and I have not carved out stillness or quiet time with myself in a very long time. This go-go-go way of being brings me joy, laughter, authentic connection with my people, and is a path for helping young people through my work. But it is not restorative. I forget that it is putting my system under stress and I really need to simplify my life at times to bring in more soft stillness to my days.

Throwing on a 30 lb pack on my 105 ln frame and hiking 25 miles/day may not sound restorative to 99.99% of the world, but it feels like it is exactly what my body needs to find some equilibrium right now. I need to get out of my business brain and into my body, to look away from a computer screen and drink in the natural world with my eyes all day long. I crave some solitude and rest from talking (which is so much of my work) and some inward time to recharge socially.

A few months ago I came home from Colorado feeling lonely, worried that another month away from social connection was not the right choice. However, the timing now feels right. Spring is here and life is buzzing. So much so that I am so looking forward to the simplicity of some alone time with me.

I’m hoping the change of pace and the quiet, unplugged nature of hiking will be a massive “stress reducer” and my immune system and overactive mind can chill out and. Here’s to hoping that getting to start is my biggest challenge of this hike and once I’m out there, breathing will feel normal again and the rest will be smooth sailing!

Yes, the physical nature of my hike may (all likely will) cause physiological stress, but I think the massive reduction in day-to-day stimuli and tasks will help me recharge my capacity. Besides, I was made for this! I was born a trail boss, so this feels like going home.